A longtime resident of Uxbridge, Ted Barris has written professionally for 40 years - for radio, television, magazines and newspapers. The "Barris Beat" column began in the 1950s when his father Alex wrote for the Globe and Mail. Ted continues the tradition of offering a positive view of his community. He has written 16 non-fiction books of Canadian history and teaches journalism at Centennial College in Toronto.
Just follow the instructions
Generally, I've never had any phobias associated with the last holiday weekend of the summer. Oh, years of commuting to Toronto have made me dread that first Tuesday back on the DVP when it turns into a parking lot again. But nothing ever really bothered me about returning to the fall schedule the day after Labour Day, except (back in school) that first-day-back exercise ritual most teachers imposed on us. You know the one - writing or telling the class: “How I Spent My Summer Holiday.”
Well, in my case this year the dread of that phrase turned out to be twofold. First, I finished teaching last spring (it turned out) just in time to go teach in Saskatchewan. And because I ended up fulfilling a number of speaking obligations through July and August, the truth was that I had very little time I could actually unwind at home this past summer. Second, the one stretch I did get to spend just puttering around home, turned out to be a holiday of about three days - the last three days of the summer break - last Saturday, Sunday and Labour Day Monday. They were - quite literally - my only vacation days of the summer. Here's how I spent them.
Some of you may remember that last spring that I knocked down our dilapidated, old garage. While that eliminated the problem of the derelict building falling down on some unsuspecting visitor, it didn't solve the problem of how I would store those tools, winter tires, lawn mower and assorted other garage paraphernalia in the off season. However, the same weekend I hauled down the garage, I bought some patio stones for a foundation and one of those you-build-it aluminum sheds - with a gazillion screws, nuts, bolts, panels and, of course, pages of instructions. You know, the ones that say right there on page two:
“It might look complicated when you first unpack your building … but it really isn't.”
My first problem was that I didn't get to building the tin shed all summer long. And that put the pressure on me to do it quickly on the last weekend off during the summer. It turned out to be the worst possible construction plan. First, everybody disappeared at the start of the weekend - my wife went riding, my daughter and son-in-law went to a cottage, and even my able - if elderly - next-door neighbour was busy.
I now refer you to two more warnings also on page two: “You will need assistance. You will find that another person will speed the job and make assembly easier,” it said. And, oh yes, last but not least, it said (this time in bolded, uppercase lettering): “WARNING! DO NOT ERECT YOUR BUILDING … ON A WINDY DAY.”
I'm sure most of you noticed - even those who left town on the Labour Day weekend - ALL of southern Ontario was inordinately windy, incessantly rainy and bloody freezing last weekend! I was already three strikes down. And yet I continued to negotiate my way through the “simple” instructions in hopes I could at least get the shell up. Then, a new problem. The manufacturers had tucked a nifty little package into the kit - something called a Foundation Unit. It consisted of a metal frame as large as the base of the shed, but all the instructions seemed to indicate was that it might be optional as the foundation for the shed.
Turned out it was optional. I had just wasted day one of the Labour Day weekend. Then, as I managed to assemble the base frame, a couple of the corner uprights and even a couple of the corner wall pieces, the wind and rain really picked up. I spent most of my time chasing the walls of my shed as they rattled and danced across my backyard.
Finally, my neighbour Dave took pity on me. He saw the state of my walls, my limited tool selection and the level of my frustration. In a matter of an hour or so, with four hands not two, we had the frame erected and enough of the walls attached to keep it from blowing to Scugog that night. I took Sunday off, because it rained all day. Then, on Monday, I managed to toss the roof together and anchor the whole mess with some screws drilled into the patio stones (again courtesy of my neighbour Dave).
So now I have my shed mostly done. (I still have the door to install and sealing tape to attach to the roof, but I can't do that, until the temperature rises above 13 degrees for more than a day). And the only thing this has really accomplished is to reinforce my lifelong phobia of having to describe: “How I spent my summer holiday.”
